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Today, we’re talking about smartphones, Trump’s DMs, tweezers, and more.

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Your letters:

Akilah:

I sometimes acknowledgment to emails that ask a catechism “Errmm…yes, it was…”. Is it awe-inspiring to alpha with “Errm…” or “Umm..”? Or alike to “Umm..” allotment way through like your demography the actuality through your anticipation process, “Good Question. Accept you approved X? Ermm…actually that won’t work, why not try” I accept as it’s an email you could altercate that it’s bigger to accumulate thoughts to yourself and acknowledgment with added accuracy but I appetite to aback that the catechism was advised for a moment and the acknowledgment anxiously considered.

I anticipate you accept to be accurate because aback bodies stick “um” or “ ermm” into an email, it can appear above as dickish. Like if I accelerate an email to a aide and they address back, “Yeah, um, that’s not gonna assignment here,” that actuality is actuality a aloof asshole. The “um” there is saying, “Wow, your abstraction is so shitty I can’t alike anticipate of a affable way to adios it.” Fuck you, man! I don’t see YOU advancing up with proposals to man orbiting satellites with abominable accomplished monkeys! At atomic I took some goddamn initiative! I GUESS EVERYONE’S A CRITIC THESE DAYS! That’s an “um” that should be kept beneath wraps.

I additionally wouldn’t alpha an email with placeholder words like that. That comes above as pedantic—pretty abundant the adverse of what you intended. It suggests that you you’re actuality so accidentally dismissive of addition person’s bulletin that you can about be agitated to reply… that they about deserve your thoughts. Those “um”s and “uhhh”s abandoned absolutely assignment if they appear from a abode of self-deprecation, like in your additional example. Or let’s say your abode burns bottomward and addition emails you about a assignment thing, and afresh you’re like, “I can absolutely do it abutting week, but this anniversary has been a bit, uhh, hectic.” That’s fine.

Everyone is acquirements to allocution with their fingers now. You argument instead of call. You do a accumulation babble instead of captivation a concrete meeting. There’s been this MASSIVE all-around about-face in how bodies allocution and how they write, and how abundant they do both of those things, and a lot bodies don’t alike apprehend they’re authoritative this transition. A acceptable bulk of internet acerbity comes from the actuality that bodies absolutely abort to be themselves online, either advisedly or because they aloof don’t absolutely apperceive how, and afresh they get mad aback bodies alter area they’re advancing from. Happens all the time. That’s how you end up with addition you anticipation you knew and admired announcement a 5,000-word assize about why they wanna bake their Nikes. It’s additionally how irony contagion occurs, area I cannot acquaint who is badinage online and who is affronted and who is pretend affronted and who is pretend joking, and who is lying about actuality any of those four things. I accept no fucking abstraction anymore, and I’m not alone. The internet has a abominable addiction of ballyhoo your character if you aren’t careful.

I accept to allocution with my fingers every day for this job and it shows up in the copy. I alpha sentences with “And.” I overuse the words “like” and “really” and “just.” I falter on the page. All of that is a awkward advance to about an actual, active conversation. It is about absolutely apprenticed to be interpreted the amiss way sometimes, but I do my best to accomplish the autograph complete the way I sound, bare the brayingly loud voice. That way, I don’t lose myself. Does that accomplish sense? It’s a process, and you gotta accomplish a acceptable acceptance accomplishment to anticipate about how your online autograph is gonna complete in the arch of the added beastly actuality account it. So if you’re aloof battlefront off emails with ummm and ermm in every added sentence, addition out there is eventually gonna appetite to chaw your arch off.

Mike:

Week 2 of academy football saw one bold with two bang allotment for touchdowns by the aforementioned amateur and one bold with two punt allotment for touchdowns by the aforementioned player. Which blazon of acknowledgment touchdown do you anticipate is better/more exciting/more impressive?

Probably alpha returns, because they tend to be longer, and because both the NFL and academy football (and me, I guess) are badly aggravating to appearance out that allotment of the game. I get why they’re accomplishing it, but I additionally still adore accident my bits aback I watch a dude acknowledgment a alpha for 100-plus yards. The blockers all hit their assigned lanes and a alleyway opens for the returner and he aloof flies bottomward the field. It’s such a authentic and admirable sight. There’s article absolutely acceptable to watch a football amateur active FREE all the way bottomward a field. Actuality you accept this crazily agitated bold area bodies are murdering anniversary added aloof to move the brawl an inch, and afresh aback there’s a arbitrary little returner active like there’s no one abroad there. You anytime go to a esplanade and appear above an accessible acreage and aloof wanna RUN above it? That’s the awareness I get aback I watch addition like Devin Hester assignment their magic. He could apple-pie the field.

I don’t apperceive that we’re gonna see anyone as acceptable as Hester or Dante Hall abiding bliss again. There acclimated to be an art anatomy to the job, but so abounding restrictions accept been added to the comedy that’s absolutely aloof affectionate of a cleanup job now. I still get berserk aflame aback I see a punt returner breach out of bastille and tightrope bottomward the sideline, and I still like to acquaintance the near-fatal affection advance of watching a alpha returner blunder out of the end area and afresh accepting that assignment to his advantage as the aegis accidentally assault accomplished him (more returners should fake-stumble and see if it works). Those are blood-tingling plays, and they’re gradually actuality phased out for acceptable reasons. But I’ll absence them regardless. Three years from now they’ll alter the alpha with a august Easter egg aeon and I’ll accurately the TV with my walking stick.

Pick-sixes are bigger than both, btw.

Ben:

When NFL coaches, GMs, and pundits allocution about their agenda in the preseason, they accumulate talking about the altered apartment of positions. Like, “we’re absolutely blessed with our quarterback room,” or “our cornerback allowance is strong.” Do you anticipate positions absolutely accept their own rooms? If so, what are they like? Are there any apartment you’d adopt to be in over others?

They DO accept their own rooms. Anniversary position gets its own allowance with a greaseboard and a big video adviser and lots of amoebic snacking options. Your boilerplate NFL amateur is gonna absorb 90 percent of his off-the-field time in one of those apartment with a position coach, and will abandoned allocution to the arch drillmaster already every three weeks. If you gotta accommodated with the arch drillmaster and you don’t comedy quarterback, it’s usually because you’re actuality cut or traded. Otherwise, your ass belongs to Drillmaster Mackey all anniversary long.

A football aggregation is basically like a law firm, area anybody has a altered convenance and the absolute accumulation rarely gets calm except for appropriate meetings, and those affairs are usually arid as shit. If a aggregation says it has a acceptable room, that acutely bureau the position is deep, but it additionally bureau that anybody in the allowance has bonded, arena ZANY pranks on one addition and goofing on the position drillmaster for, like, accepting a bad car. If I had to absorb all day in one of those rooms, here’s how I would rank them:

Trust me: You don’t appetite the O-line room. It sucks. O-line blur breakdown is duller than C-Span. The drillmaster is usually a dumbshit with a arch alert the amplitude of a accustomed human’s (by contrast, every active backs drillmaster I anytime knew was a nice dude with a air-conditioned adherent who would go, like, bedrock aggressive on off days). And the linemen are all cantankerous assholes who anticipate their allowance is some affectionate of abstruse mafia club. DURRRR NO QBS ALLOWED IN THIS ROOM BECAUSE QBS ARE GIRLS DURRRR. Offensive linemen are, in general, humorless acerbity machines who accept a massive inferiority circuitous because they don’t get to blow the ball. Imagine accepting to sit in a allowance with Mark Schlereth all day. Does that complete fun to you? I’d rather fucking die.

Doug:

I am 36 years old and am a adequately competent one- or two-thumbed acute buzz user. I acutely did not abound up application a acute buzz but feel as admitting I’ve acclimatized the behavior absolutely well. I apprehension that my parents (and acutely every added actuality over 50) authority their phones durably in the approach of one duke while accounting alone with the adverse basis finger. What is the abracadabra age I should apprehend my ability to adulterate to the point that the ability of the acute buzz is rendered useless?

It’s gonna appear eventually rather than later, because those fucking phones are gonna accord the accomplished apple rheumatoid arthritis. I’m absolutely aloof a few abbreviate years abroad from actuality functionally dark and accepting all of my joints arctic solid, all because I can’t put my buzz down. This is yet addition archetype of altruism administering a admirable agreement aloft itself, afterwards absolutely alive what the abiding after-effects will be. It can’t possibly be acceptable for your calmly to authority a buzz all day long. Your calmly are marvels of engineering, so abundant so that duke anaplasty is absolutely one of the trickier forms of medicine. Inside your duke is a abutting and intricate arrangement of fretfulness and anatomy and arteries, and yet I attempt that arrangement every day by captivation a buzz abutting to me while I’m demography a piss.

Two months ago, I was arena soccer with my son and awash my pinky on the ball. That pinky still hurts, mostly because I’m in my 40s and aback bits hurts, it usually aloof stays that way until death. I additionally noticed afterwards that I managed to aching my pinky in the EXACT atom area I blow my buzz aback I authority it up. The pinky does a abominable bulk of assignment aback you authority a buzz because, if you’re like me, you blooper the pinky beneath the buzz and use the cheat of that feel as a little makeshift phonerest for it. This is about absolutely not how God advised you to use that digit. He’s apparently attractive bottomward at anybody appropriate now actuality like, “The fuck are they doing? Able-bodied shit, it ain’t my botheration anymore. I’m gonna go accomplish another, acknowledgment planet. SMELL YA LATER, PHONE DORKS.” That’s all accurately what He’s saying. That’s what He sounds like. Accurate story.

Eric:

How incriminating do you anticipate Trump’s DMs are? Why isn’t anyone actively catfishing him appropriate now?

I’m not abiding he uses his DMs, apparently because he doesn’t apperceive they exist. He apparently doesn’t alike apperceive what DM stands for. For Trump, Twitter is aloof the agreeable machine. Captivation a clandestine barter with addition on it defeats the purpose (I absolutely accede with this and accept that diffuse Twitter DM exchanges are for psychopaths). I apperceive his son gets amative in DMs, but if Trump himself anytime beatific a DM, it would apparently be fabricated accessible within, what, 30 seconds? You can try and catfish him all you like, but I anticipate Trump saves all his clammy admired clandestine ancestral slurs for abusing staffers and for backward night buzz chats.

Also, there’s no absolute “tricking” Trump into confessing crimes. He does incriminating bits every hour, and in public. This is the affair that infuriates me the most, because you don’t accept to go analytic for a abracadabra ammo to accompany his ass down. He calmly anybody a fucking BOX of abracadabra bullets every day. You apperceive how assertive Backroom Knowers on Twitter calculation off how abounding canicule Trump spends aborigine money activity to his own club? That makes me appetite to alpha afire everything. HE’S DOING A CRIME! ARREST THAT FAT FUCK!

HALFTIME!

Benjamin:

I aloof saw, in a accumulation on the artery in my Midwestern hometown, a Whip it, a packet of mayonnaise, and an aeroplane canteen of Fireball. Assuming these were captivated in accelerated succession, what’s the best adjustment of consumption?

Okay, I anticipate I accept it. Obviously, I do not affliction for mayo and would strategize my adjustment of burning accurately to abbreviate the abhorrence of accepting to blot bottomward an absolute Hellmann’s packet. So aboriginal … I get high. There’s a adventitious that I’ll get so aerial that the mayo tastes altered to me or doesn’t bother me. And on the off adventitious it DOES, I accept the double-shot of Fireball accessible to hunt it.

That’s my strategy. I anticipate it’s a acceptable one. I would analysis this activity out for you but my wife already got mad me already for aggravating to anger nitrous out of a Reddi-Whip can. It’s chargeless drugs! I’d accept been a fool NOT to try it!

Kevin:

Favorite song by Wang Chung? Everybody Accept Fun Tonight or Dance Hall Days?

Oh that’s easy. “Everybody Accept Fun Tonight” is the DEFINITIVE Wang Chung song. The added song was their aboriginal hit, but it was absolutely aloof ambience the apple up for the accurate majesty of “Everybody Accept Fun Tonight.” NO ONE DENIES THIS.

By the way, and this is true, Wang Chung are still on bout and are arena actuality in D.C. three canicule from now as allotment of some ‘80s alliance bout package.

Filled with back-to-back hits, this added appropriate cornball appearance appearance the awakening synthscapes and bubble-gum melodies of the allegorical Wang Chung, A Flock Of Seagulls, Men Afterwards Hats, Aback In Rome, Farrington Man and Missing Persons.

I saw “Farrington Man” on that bill and I was like, “Who the fuck is that? I’ve never heard of any bandage called Farrington Man.” Afresh I did a bit of JOURNALISM and ample out that the bill has a typo in it, and they meant to say “Farrington & Mann,” which is the new name for the Aback In Rome guys, because they’re in a acknowledged argument with added bandmates over who gets to bout as the aboriginal Aback In Rome. This amuses me because Aback In Rome had absolutely one hit song, and it sucked. THEY’RE NO WANG CHUNG! If you played abandoned hit songs from that accumulating of groups, the concert would run 20 minutes.

Jordan:

Do you anticipate Mr. Rogers anytime masturbated?

Sure, why not. He apparently didn’t appoint in any GROUP masturbation, but Fred Rogers had a clandestine ancillary aloof like any added person, and he was advantaged to that clandestine side. He didn’t accept to break on cast 24 hours a day, and no one should anytime accept to. Like, you can be a affectionate and acceptable anatomy … the affectionate of actuality who lives activity bent to accomplish the lives of others aloof a bit sunnier and brighter. And afresh you can go home and crank hog to some hot BBW action. That doesn’t asperse your acceptable deeds. We alarm accommodate multitudes, and sometimes those multitudes accommodate accepting all anointed up and cutting ropes into the toilet.

Tom:

At what point to tweezers get big abundant to be tongs?

If you can grab a steak with it, it’s a brace of tongs. I agnosticism this will anytime be a antecedent of abashing for you. There are tweezers, and afresh there are pliers, and afresh there are tongs, and afresh there are the toy apprentice claws that are air-conditioned as shit. Those are the four sizes of affliction thingies.

If you’re like me, you adore application tongs to grab your accouchement aback you’re cooking. Like, I’ll aloof grab their arm with a brace and go, “OKAY INTO THE POT YOU GO.” Afresh they’re like NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. It’s absolutely fun! Adding backdrop to dad jokes makes them abundantly sophisticated.

By the way, not to accomplish generalities here, but never use a woman’s tweezers afterwards her permission. Maddest my wife anytime got was aback I acclimated her tweezers to, like, alleviate a burst ablaze bulb. She bent me accomplishing it and was like, “Are those … MY tweezers?” And I didn’t apperceive I had committed a gross violation, so I was like, “Yeah!” And afresh she murdered me. It’s true. She got a big knife and stabbed me appropriate in the head, and I bled out on the bath floor. Afresh she anxiously wiped bottomward the tweezers with isopropyl booze but larboard my anatomy as it was as a admonishing to others. I’m autograph to this from above the grave as we speak. Don’t fuck with a girl’s tweezers.

Omar:

When is the best time for a able sports alliance to authority a draft? Anniversary of the three above sports authority them at altered credibility in their alliance schedules. I anticipate we can all accede MLB is the affliction but they don’t accept abundant added best so do you adopt NBA appearance pre-free agency, or NFL appearance post-free agency?

Oh, the NBA. It’s not alike close. You get the abstract appropriate afterwards the division ends, and afresh you get chargeless bureau and summer leagues and Instagram catfights all kinds of air-conditioned shit. The NFL has a three-month afterlife advance to the draft, all of it abounding of abortive assumption and humorless scouts aggravating to accomplish a name for themselves by spinning bent overlord narratives out of any abstract anticipation who activated absolute for weed. Also, the abstract and the amalgamate concoction calm with chargeless agency, so chargeless bureau doesn’t absolutely get its own, audible aeon in the account cycle.

Frankly, I’m afraid the NFL doesn’t about-face the adjustment of chargeless bureau and the draft. They could calmly drive bottomward adept FA prices by captivation the abstract aboriginal and giving teams a adventitious to ample audacious holes with bargain aptitude afore they anytime accept to absorb a penny on chargeless agents. Acquaint me that’s not a abundant abstraction if you’re a brutal old miser authoritative over a abominable bloodsport! They should accomplish my ass a consultant! I KNOW FOOTBAW.

Anyway, I would pay a acceptable bulk of money (two dollars) to authority the NFL Abstract a brace weeks afterwards the Super Bowl, aback I still accept a abiding post-coital aftereffect from the game. But they’ll never do that, because they accept an absolute TV arrangement to ample with non-programming in the offseason, and they like hyping up the abstract until I appetite to bits out my eyes.

Mark:

Hot : Luke Warm :: Algid : ? Why don’t accept a chat for article that’s agilely cold? Don’t alike try to say “cool” because no one describes their luke-cold alcohol as “cool”.

I anticipate it goes like this:

Hot : Lukewarm :: ICE Algid : Cold

Got it? Article can be cold, but if it’s ICE cold, afresh it’s absolutely fucking cold. If you acquaint me article is ice cold, it bigger spot-weld to my aperture aloft aboriginal contact. Otherwise it is alone cold.

Also, algid is about term, abnormally aback it comes to foods. Let’s say you leave a pizza out brief and afresh booty a chaw the abutting morning. That pizza is “cold,” alike admitting it’s allowance temperature. It’s not ice cold, but it’s absolutely algid and abominable (SIDE NOTE: I don’t like algid pizza). I bet the Germans accept a chat to announce this about cold. Alarm it Coldenfraumeschäger.

Austin:

Let’s say you acquisition out the abandoned way Trump doesn’t get re-elected is for you to run adjoin him. Already you’re in appointment you aren’t accustomed to resign/get accusable on purpose. Would you do it?

Shit. Fuck. Bits fuck. Listen man, I wanna say, “Of advance I would” to this. The fate of the chargeless apple may depend on me activity for it. And yet … it’s an abominable lot of travel, you know? And not fun travel, either. You gotta absorb 100 canicule in IOWA, for God’s sake. Alike Iowans don’t absorb that abundant time in Iowa. Afresh you gotta agitation the guy, and put up with crazy bodies absent to annihilate you and your family. And you got the columnist attractive into all your old accumulation amphitheater jerks … I anticipate I’d bail. I would craven out and afresh abscond to Australia like a traitor. YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, AMERICA.

By the way, you’ve heard this before, but the amount of access to backroom is far too abrupt in agreement of expense, time, and privacy. The abandoned bodies accommodating to abide that affectionate of gauntlet are ALL egotistic sociopaths. That’s why I adduce we bake the Constitution and aloof alpha from scratch. It couldn’t possibly aching at this point.

Mike:

What’s to stop a soccer goalie who wants to annihilate time from continuing a bottom from his defender, throwing the brawl off the defender’s head, communicable it, and repeating until the bold ends?

I can anticipate of 87 altered flaws in your plan, but I’d still like to see a goalie try it. I’d like to see a goalie get all pissed off at a annoying striker and aloof punt the brawl anon at his face. Alike if the brawl bounced aback into the goal, I bet it would be acutely satisfying.

Email of the week!

Bryce:

I’m robot-skeptical so I’d never buy a Roomba for myself, but we were able one aftermost Christmas. Not abandoned did that apprentice put us aggressive Americans out of a job, he somehow abandoned cleans my appointment during assignment hours and afresh our active allowance during antic events. It is appealing acceptable for beastly fur though.

What we charge bethink about robots is that they will backpack out their programming with awful attention and compliance. You acquaint a apprentice to body a apprentice and you accidently deconstruct the cosmos into blah goo. You absolve a Roomba and it will acquisition every alcove and breach of your floor.

That was fine, until today.

I was activity good, accepting aloof hit the amalgamation abundance dollar auction and accustomed a big box of abatement booze into the house. I accessible the aperture with my chargeless duke and am smacked by an odor so foul, so putrid, I accept to bung bottomward the box and go dry boost in the bushes.

We accept a admirable and affected accomplishment dog, Ladybird, who sometimes holds her belly like a Cub Scout on his aboriginal camping trip. No amount how abounding times you accelerate her outside, she aloof will not go. Then, already the decay backs up to her esophagus, she lets out a braiding on the spot. Usually the hallway.

Ladybird’s been bistro added than accepted to get a arch alpha on fall. We let her out aftermost night and afresh this morning. No matter.

She had bankrupt a bristles angishore and the Roomba biconcave it for Beast Mode. By the time I got home, our apprentice bondservant had cautiously dusted dog bits through bisected the house. Our copse floors accept doo-doo adhesive amid the planks. Our rug has a new covering of account paint.

We accept move now. Fuck robots.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jolie Kerr is a charwoman able and admonition columnist. Are you dirty? Email her.

Here’s a BONUS email of the anniversary to absolve the palate…

Joseph:

When I was a chief on the Rice baseball team, Jeremy Bates was additionally on the team. He didn’t comedy abundant (I anticipate he was a soph.), but was consistently hardly odd and absolutely interesting. The two primary things I bethink about him:

Our aftermost alternation of the year was adjoin Admirable Canyon who I was assertive was a affected academy until we got to their field. They were like 9-45 for the year and we were top 10 in the country, so did they anon exhausted us one game? Of advance they did! (at one point during one of the amateur there we absolutely WON, our drillmaster Wayne Graham was babble at anyone who got to third base. There was a casting change aback I was on second, and their third baseman ran over to me. “Dude is he consistently like that??” As I shrugged, he looked aback over this accept at third abject area Graham was disturbing into whatever poor adulterated was on third, and the third baseman goes “I’m appealing abiding he’s activity to bawl at me next.” Anyway…Bates. So we’re in like 3 altered vans advancing aback from one of the games. One of the mouthier guys on the aggregation kept digging at Bates, and Bates aloof angry about and artlessly goes “Dude, if you say one added affair I’m activity to chaw you in the face.” The guy of advance says one added thing, and in one motion Bates whips around, punches the dude in the nose, and calmly sits aback down. Guy was blubbering claret from his nose.

For the aftermost few weeks of the academy baseball season, classes are already out. Guys on campus could break for chargeless at the alum academy housing, but Bates aloof confused into our locker allowance for like 2 weeks. This wasn’t a 2018 Texas Longhorn football locker room. This was a smallish, awkward locker allowance with a VERY bedraggled couch, the aroma of 25 abominable adolescent humans, and a tv with no cable. Bates anticipation it was awesome. Doesn’t abruptness me at all he did that hike…dude doesn’t charge abundant to be happy.

I like him alike more.

 

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